Communicating with Love

Burgen Young

My adolescent daughter strongly feels emotions. When she has a problem, the solutions she asks for are not always ones I agree with. And in truth, the way she demands them can upset me.

When we have guests stay in our home, my daughter sleeps in her sister’s room, and the guests sleep in her room. Recently, however, my daughter called me at work and announced that when her grandparents came to stay in a couple days, she was going to stay in her own room, and her grandparents could sleep elsewhere. Otherwise, she was going to get her clothes from her bedroom early in the morning while her grandparents were still sleeping in her bed.

As she was emotionally sharing her plans, a nearby copy of The ECK HI 2 Discourses caught my eye. The ECK was reminding me of the section in this youth discourse about communication in families. I opened the discourse to find this guidance on page 41: “Don’t react to aggressive or outrageous statements made by the other person. Instead, ignore them completely. If there is anything at all good in what was said, respond to that and agree with it as far as it goes.”

I followed the guidance and mostly remained silent. I did ask if she had anything more to add, and explained that I needed to get back to work. After I hung up the phone, I briefly considered that my husband and I might sleep in the family room so my parents could sleep in our room, but it didn’t feel like the right answer.

I read more on page 37 of the discourse: “When people react to another person or their ideas about the other person instead of thoughtfully putting attention on what they need to communicate and what they hope to achieve by it, arguments and misunderstandings can happen. One main difficulty with communication lies in the hidden emotions being subconsciously felt by both parties.”

I felt a strong nudge to text my daughter. The words to communicate to her flowed out easily. I sent her a message of love, telling her I understood that giving up her room was difficult. I thanked her for all the times she had given up her room for guests in the past, and I offered to thank her by buying her a treat.

After sending the text, I reflected on what happened. By being humble and open to guidance from the ECK, I had moved past my hurt feelings about the way my daughter communicated with me and received her underlying message that she needed to feel understood and loved.

My daughter, in turn, returned my message of love when I got home from work. She gave me a heartfelt hug and said that her grandparents could stay in her room and she didn’t need any treats in return.

I so often struggle with how to respond when my daughter communicates big feelings, because I feel overwhelmed. I may not always make a loving choice when I am overwhelmed (after all, I’m still in a human body), but this time I did! I am so grateful for this experience of working with the ECK and the MAHANTA to find a perfect and loving response. My daughter and I both got what we needed most: more love.